Time Well Spent
Sunday, March 15, 2009 at 12:38AM After my mom passed away in 2006 I started to look at things differently. At first it took it really hard and was really angry ... with myself. There were a few reasons I was angry with myself but I guess I'll start with what happened late that summer.
It was in late August or early September that the Summer of Champions (a sports weekend) was going to happen in Michigan. Along with the youth, we were going there to join in the weekend activities. I'm trying to remember and I think we were leaving on a Friday since it was a 10 hour drive. The night before I had gotten into a fight with my mom, it was this whole misunderstanding but nonetheless it was a fight.
That night ended with the typical not talking to each other since we both felt we were the one who was right and the other was wrong. So I left that Friday and just a very simple good bye to my mom.
After the weekend was done, we were just leaving the venue and starting our trip back to NY when I called my sister and she told me that my mom was in the hospital. Well you could imagine how this made me feel, it's one of those situations you see in the movies where you just had a fight with someone you love and you leave them saying something horrible or in not so good terms. Then you come to find out that someone bad has happened to that person ... and you just feel so horrible. Well that was me.
After getting back to NY and visiting my mom, we had thought everything was going to be alright. During the past few years prior, she had been going into the hospital maybe one weekend or two weekends for the year because she wasn't feeling well. So we were "used" to it. And this weekend was no different, she spent a few nights in the hospital and then went home. Here I was thinking that it was just "routine" that she went to the hospital. Well for those few nights in the hospital, we did make up, and were normal again. One thing to understand is when I say "make up" we didn't hug it out and talk about it, that was never how it was with us, it would just pass and we'd be back to normal again until the next incident.
After a day or two of being at home, my mom ended up in the hospital again and she wouldn't come back to the house anymore, but none of us knew that just yet.
Things change so much when you learn that your mom is going to die. I remember sitting in that doctors office when they told us that she didn't have long to live, and that she had at most 6 months before she was going to pass. My defense mechanisms went up, but that's more than I can say for some other family members who reacted with however they were feeling when they heard that news. For me, I tried to be "cool" about it and tried to make a "plan" for her. The plan was to get her better here and out of the hospital so she could go home to the Philippines and spend the rest of her days there. That was my focus for all of about 1 day. I would repeat that "plan" I had to my family over and over again during that day. But that all went out the window the following day when I realized that my mom was dying ... and there wasn't much time left.
The reality of the situation hit me, all those years that I fought with her, all those times that I was "bad" and didn't listen, everything came back to haunt me. All those moments became "I wish I could have [fill in the blank]." Everything else took a backseat on my priority list, work, BNP, whatever it was, my mom was #1 now ... but it's a bit sad that it takes something like stage 4 cancer to make me put her on the top of my list when she should have been there to begin with.
Work wasn't an issue as I told my boss that I wouldn't be at work everyday and some days I'd only be there for a few hours, just so I could spend time with her in the hospital. I remember I would sit there and just be on my laptop. We wouldn't even talk sometimes, it was just silent as she rested or people came to visit. But it was still quality time for us ... just being there together.
I had so much time to think during that month she was in the hospital and none more than the 2nd to last night I was there. Her condition was getting worse and really quickly, the plans of the hospital and the doctors and even my plans weren't going to happen. So we started to stay with her on overnight stays, we would switch nights. It was the second to last night that she would be alive that I spent with her ... I parked myself on the left side of her bed with two chairs, one for me and one for my laptop. I sat there with my laptop on as she rested and slept. The times she woke up, we were talking, at this point I couldn't understand what she said verbally because her throat was so dry, but I knew what she was telling me. That night was a really nice night together, we spent the night talking, praying together, and I even let her listen to some of her favorite songs which she hummed along to. This was a night that was meant to happen as I said my sorries and "I love you's."
Sometimes it takes something so tragic to happen in our lives for us to realize certain things to make things happen. And my mom's passing was one of those things that makes me see things differently, see things clearer.
During my childhood and teenage years, I grew farther from my parents. I guess it's just how things go sometimes or as the "norm" where you don't want to good with your parents because that's not the "cool" thing. So I kept my distance from them, I closed them out of parts of my life. But that all changed, all of it.
It's just horrible how it had to happen later in the course of our relationship. Especially with my dad, I always had a good relationship with him, but nothing to write home about. So now that he comes back and forth from Philippines to here every few months, I've come to treasure the time that he does spend here with us. BNP keeps him busy here and he likes it, but the times when he's just at home and isn't doing anything, I like to be there with him, doing nothing too. Sometimes we'll even go on that father son outing and go watch a movie ... or four and then go grab some good ol' chinese food afterwards. I definitely think that we've grown closer and I've been more open to him about anything and everything.
During the time my mom passed away, my dad's brother in LA passed away two days before and I remember when my dad had found out that my mom would be passing away soon he planned with his brother that they would be travel buddies and they would hang out together since they would both be widowers. Then when my uncle passed away ... my dad didn't know what to do. I remember him specifically asking what he was going to do now that his brother passed away because he was going to be his travel buddy once my mom left.
So here I find myself as my dad's semi travel buddy. We take trips to Delaware and wherever else we decide from time to time, even if it's just to Fresh Meadows to catch those movies. This Holy Week we're going to Cali for the BNP activities there, and a bunch of the youth are going. My dad had wanted to go see the Grand Canyon so that would have been another trip we'd take together. There's going to be a few youth that are staying with us for the whole trip so that's a good thing, it'll keep things fun and my dad likes them around (sometimes!). I think the youth find my dad funny too, so it should be fun.. We're going to see if we'll make it to the Grand Canyon, my dad found out how far it was and changed his mind, but whatever we figure out, I'm down as long as it's with him.
As I said, I like to spend time with him and find it meaningful, even if it's just us watching the Knicks game as I talk about how good some of the players are and he just says they all suck. A lot of the nights my friends are out but I'll just stay home and be with him, there have been a few times when I did go out and he would tell me not to stay out too late, it seemed as if he would be lonely just being home alone, so I would do my best to get home earlier rather than later so we could chill.
Work has been crazy for the past few months where I've been working a lot of hours and coming home late. During one meeting my boss said that he always saw his work as something to put food on the table and to provide for his family, but the quality of life was always what was important to him. He would do everything to get his work done so he could leave at 5:30pm and not have to stay the overtime. Sure the overtime pay is great but the time spent with family is much more rewarding. That's what I've been trying to do since we've had that meeting. My overtime hours have been less and I've been spending more time at home now ... my dad seems to like it even if we are in our own rooms, just having someone in the house I guess makes him feel better.
So here I am on another Saturday night as my dad is on the phone, spending the day just watching movies in the living room with Shadow and eating Popeyes that Diday brought for dinner. It's just my dad and me tonight with absolutely nothing else to do ... and this is perfect.
+ mon
